Too old

I think I'm too old to have a kid...spent most of the day with Tyler and he wore me out...

We went shopping to run some errands for grandma...and the lugging him in and out of the car and answering his million and one questions about where were going, what were doing, where is the farm at (mind you we were not going to a farm), and when could we look at toys was enough for me...

He is adorable and he is smarter than most adults...he helped picked out hanging baskets for grandma...we picked a dark and light purple mixed one and were also to get a smaller one...so they had impatiences in a light purple or petunias that were purple or white that would of went well with the bigger one...well Tyler had to have the bright fushia impatience cause grandma would like pink...

After shopping it was time to play...his picnic table and gas grill were cleaned and he right away had to start cooking...he is finally getting the hang of driving his tractor...and we convinced him to try his new bike...he had fun and then went in and wanted pap to get him tea and probably would of fell asleep if his mother let him instead of saying it was time to go home...hopefully he napped when he got home...

It was a nice day to spend it with him but it kicked my butt...I feel way to old to be running after little ones...and with the way this one has been squirming inside of me I'm pretty sure it will be a mover and shaker when its out and about

Brandy

Moving all around

Didn't write yesterday...there was nothing really new to report and all I did was work, watched Tangled, and Liz and I played drs trying to read Brit's MRI's.  We probably did just as good as the quack dr she had been seeing...but fingers crossed her new dr has a brain and what she believes is wrong makes sense...

Dad's MRI came back negative so the cancer hasn't spread and his treatments are gonna start on May 9th...he'll be staying down in Aspinwall while getting his treatments and he maybe allowed to come home for the weekends but we'd have to lug his oxygen machine back and forth so really don't think that's gonna be happening...Tyler will not be happy that his pap pap is not around...

Had my dr appt today...the rugrat did not want to stay still to get its heartbeat heard...as soon as she found the heartbeat...it bolted and probably took a good 2 mins for it to stay still long enough for her to get a reading which was were it was suppose to be...

Well that should of been my warning cause it hasn't settled down all day today...it felt like a pinball going back and forth between bumpers...it took a brief 5 min nap at work then was back at it...the dr warned me wait till it gets stronger...well at this rate is gonna shoot out my belly button lol...

So the countdown begins I should hopefully find out what this sucker is on May 27th so seriously I need a boys name...comment, email, text, facebook me...what ever u prefer...need ideas...pronto! Kthxbai

Broken people

So I realized that I am not sure that I have one good friend or family member that is not broken...and by broken I mean physically broken...mentally I think everyone is broken lol

But seriously lets list it out:
Dad-Cancer
Mom-Arthritis
Chelle-who knows what is wrong with her
Theresa-what isn't broken on her
Brit-Brain
Uncle Dave-Diabetes

The list can go on and on...its almost odd to think I am probably the healthiest out of the group and I'm the one who doesn't go to the doctors.  Like I've complained before, this whole pregnant thing will have me at the doctors more in 9 months than I have been in the last 10+ years...Though I do believe Butler ER should have a parking space for me cause I've taken other ppl their so often...maybe one day they will lol...or maybe the ppl in my life will get better....or I'll learn to surround myself with unbroken people...but where is the fun is that?

Brandy

We Like to do it Big...

In my family when 1 thing goes wrong pretty much everything goes wrong with it...lets see me and chelle end up pregnant, chad is off to jail again but not soon enough, and dad has cancer...

Finally Dad had the appt as to what they are actually going to do with him...they still aren't sure the extent of it yet and are doing another MRI to see if it has spread to more than just the lung...and they plan on doing a chemo/radiation combo...he's too stubborn to realize how sick he's going to get...but they are going to keep him down at the VA so at least we don't have to try to care for him on top of everything else

Okay that last part might have sounded mean but with everyone working it would be a little hard to try to get him back and forth and have someone there watching him when he does get sick...there is only so much time that can be taken off of work and chelle and I will already have to take fmla when the babies come so options are limited.

So we shall see how all this goes dad's convinced he'll be just fine...after what happened w/ grandpap we don't think its going to be that easy...but nothing in my life is...

Brandy

Sleepy head

One way to start off a Monday is to sleep in...apparently I even shut off my alarm and don't even remember doing it...that's what I get for staying up and watching food network...Sundays are good nights with challenge and last cake standing I love those shows...

Nothing too new going on here...the kiddo shouldn't have down syndrome or any other neural tubular disease that can be found in my blood...so I suppose that is good news...now if only we can get an answer to the million dollar question...is it a boy or a girl...

Everyone has an opinion a different one of course...thank goodness there aren't more options than boy or girl lol...at least if its a girl it has a name...well two names actually...a boy is well just going to be called a boy...still need to figure out a name for if its a him...and I know I've already blogged about this subject but still have no solution to it...so again any suggestions are appreciated and don't be offended if they get shot down cause I think every boy baby name has...

Oh I'm sure I'll figure it out I just have to before I have an ultrasound cause that's how it has to be...

Brandy

Easter 2011

 Its odd to think that this will be the last Easter that Tyler and Treyshon will be the only kids...this time next year me and chelle will have 6 month olds if all goes well...kinda creepy to think about...

Overall Easter was fine...Tyler I think was just overwhelmed...as usual everyone went overboard...but he's our spoiled little monster...

Figured I'd throw a pic of the little one in...can't forget about him though he's so quiet its hard not too lol...he's so little...and he's gonna be 6 months next month...

So to compare since they are both November babies...here is a pic of Ty at his first Easter...

Its like night and day...looking at the album of Tyler he was opening up gifts and stuff and wanting to play...so weird how they are so different...it will be neat and annoying for me and Chelle with everyone comparing our babies since they should be born pretty close together...we shall see how that goes lol

Brandy

Oh What A Relief It Is

No clue as to why the Alka Seltzer slogan came to mind...another long day...hot water tank broke at grandmas so went to mom's to shower...well I originally wasn't planning on going there today, she managed to keep me busy all day...not that I mind...and I basically will go to sleep and be right back first thing in the morning to get dinner started since Chad will probably be too hung over to do it...

The odd thing is it kinda made me realize having  a kid w/o the baby daddy involved is going to be easier in some ways...no talk as to where the holiday is gonna be spent or where we're obligated to go too...there is no guilt trip for feeling like your leaving someones family out or going places that you don't want to go but do cause you have too...oddly even though I may still have a kid to lug around at least I'll be lugging it where I want to go and not where I am obligated to go...so its still a sense of freedom and we know I like to do what I want when I want too...

Anyways really need to get to sleep so that I can cook a ham, stuff a turkey, and such...holidays are only as good as the dinners...

Brandy

Easter Prep

Spent the evening at my parents...getting some desserts ready for easter...but first it was egg coloring time with Ty Ty...

He had 3 different sets to choice from...the neon dye, sports set, and a paint set...not sure who had more fun Tyler or his grandmother...she got into the painted ones...she probably did just as many eggs as he did...though I must say the shrink wrap sport ones were pretty neat...put on this plastic take a blow dryer and heat it up and it forms to the egg...I was amused

Next was on to making pudding pies and chocolate mousse...had a little mishap w/ the frozen cool whip melting on top of the one pies...but they are okay...they will still get ate...Tyler thought he'd try the beaten egg whites and whipping cream prior to the chocolate being added to them...he didnt like it...I warned him it wouldn't taste good...but he didn't listen...

Alright now its time to head home and go to bed...chasing a 3 year old who can hold a conversation on any subject is exhausting...I better get prepared lol

Brandy

Long day...

Today was just one of those days that work just dragged on forever and I just wanted it to be over...everyone but the 2 ppl who don't annoy me were annoying me...though that's just about everyday...at least tomorrow we were already told we were having an early dismissal for the holiday so thank goodness for that...it was the only thing that got me thru my day lol

Stopped at Theresa's after work to which I was bombarded w/ baby ideas and such as soon as I walked in...Sarah is making a really cute baby blanket though...so that is exciting...and with the way Theresa and Brit are working they could throw a baby shower tomorrow lol...crazy girls...

Alright I need to get to bed rather than try to think of something witty or interesting so say cause my brain is too tired for that...have a good night everyone

Brandy

Hassles

So if you haven't figured it out I find all these dr appts, blood work, prescriptions, etc all kinda just a hassle...it reminds me why I don't go to the dr's...what is more frustrating about it all is that these people in these professions seem absolutely clueless like they just started the job today...

Lets start with the dr appts in general...as I said they seem to just be a waste of time...they come in talk for a little and out the door...what is the point of me wasting my time...the only ones that had a point were the 1st one to confirm the pregnancy and the last one where I heard the heartbeat...the rest were like stupid...and i'm sure the one next friday will be useless...

Blood work this has been a whole other adventure...the first time I went to get it done was a complete fiasco...I first decided to just go to the place beside target...well I walked in and walked right back out...it was sooooo crowded and smelled bad...there was no way I was letting anyone touch me there...so at that point in the day (first part will be told in the prescription paragraph) I was ready to be done and took a break at Panera...I decided I'd go to the hospital to get it done...big mistake there...it was crowded and some dedication was going on...I'm like no way am I staying here...so I was just gonna say forget it and just call it a day...I looked at the list one last time and there was one around the corner at Cyphers office...so I went there...it was so peaceful and quiet and I was the only one there...thank god for that cause I had to sit there for an hour after drinking some orange sugar water for a glucose test...So today I had to get bloodwork...went to the hospital early...still had to wait 10mins to register...then that just ended up messy cause they had my old employer info so that needed updated...and I have 2 insurances...my primary one thru work and then med. assistance...which I think just throws them off...they must not be use to people holding down jobs and using med assistance for just assistance and not the end all be all...so after all that the actual bloodwork took all of 2 secs and as long as they listen and take the blood from my right arm all is fine...

Then there is the prescriptions...all it is is a prenatal vitamin...U'd think simple right...hmmm no...went to walmart...walmart has everything...everything but this particular vitamin...great...so to walgreens I go...they have it at least...15 mins later they tell me my brilliant insurance company had me born in 1951 instead of 1981...yes cause a 60 year old should be having a baby...so after I got that clarified and 30 bucks later (this was before med assistance) it was off to try to attempt the blood work from the above paragraph...so anyways its time to get a refill on the vitamins...I had to add the 2nd ins so I decided to stop in...well that part was easier than I thought it would be...but of course they had to order the vitamin...I just can't win...anyways when I picked it up it went from 30 bucks to zero...like seriously...not that I'm complaining but I still can't believe it went down to nothing...I'm hoping now there will be no more fiascoes with this portion of the pregnancy cause there shouldn't be a reason for it

I"m sure there will be plenty more annoying dr stories to come so stay tuned lol

Brandy

Glee

Yay Glee is new tonight...seems like forever...love that show...I often wonder why in real life you can't break out in song and dance...I think people would be a lot happier not to mention much easier to express their emotions...though considering I can't sing or dance its probably best that life isn't like that...

On a side note Chelle and I were watching an old episode of Glee where Quinn was preggers and realized how poorly that was done...her belly shifted up and down depending on what she was wearing...and the labor scene is a big no no...you'd actually never be allowed to scream like that in the hospital with out a nurse knocking you out...

Also Pregnancy in Heels is on tonight...this is an odd show...its about a maternity concierge who helps snotty upper class New Yorkers prepare for their babies...I wonder how some of them even get pregnant cause the are so clueless about everything...yet I also wonder how do they make their money if they're so dumb...well I guess book smart doesn't mean they have common sense...

Nothing really new otherwise...though the baby was fussy today seemed to be fluttering all over esp at work...and yes I know most would say its still too early for me to feel it...well tell that to the kid who keeps wiggling around...Dr appt next week...gotta get bloodwork done before then which I'm sure will be an event...

Brandy

So I have stared at this blog for a good half hour thinking god I'm boring and have nothing to write about...maybe part of that problem is the fact I still haven't told most people about this baby thing...

Yes most my family know and most of my friends...I finally told my supervisor at work and my one co-worker knows but I there is something stopping me from still wanting other ppl to know...its only going to be a matter of time that its obvious...I just don't want to mention it or bring it up or talk about it

Still not sure what my problem is...its not that I'm not a little excited...I just don't like the bigger messier picture...and I don't want to attempt to explain it to people who don't know me that well...I'm just not that type of person or at least not in person...if they can find this blog they can read all about it lol...

Which makes me wonder again how do those kids let cameras follow and record their messes and how do their parents let it be recorded...its just kind of disgusting and how they are kinda proud of how they act...idk i just don't get it...

Oh just need to suck it up and deal with it cause well there isn't any other choice...and as I keep saying everytime I have a freak out it will be okay one way or another...

Brandy

Under the Sea...

So I think I made a decision on a theme regardless of what this bugger ends up being...I believe I want to do like a beach ocean turtle type theme...

I don't know why I didn't really think about it before...since I love the beach and ocean...that should of been a no brainer...I had mentioned turtles to Theresa and she started pulling up stuff and I'm like duh I never see the obvious...but something like the pic below would be nice...it maybe a bit boyish but they have some neutral ones and they do have a pink and purple one for a girl too but its way pricey

Just gotta make sure mom likes it and we should be good to go...I know why does mom have to approve...cause she is mom and I say so...though she likes the beach too so I think she'll be fine with it...

Which I'm wondering now what disaster will happen now cause every time I think I make a decision or am excited about it something comes crashing down...way to jinx myself lol

Brandy

Busy busy

No time to write yesterday...after work had to stop at the house...when I got to the car I had a voicemail on my phone...so I listened to it which never happens...it was mom...she was informing me that even though she knew I was coming to the house, that my sister was in the hospital, so stop by the house...she has a way with words...

So I text both of my sisters to see what was wrong with Chelle...I knew she wasn't feeling well the day before and with her being preggers figured she managed to land herself in the hospital...no one responded...so then I had myself in a tizzy cause mom never mentioned which sister it was...so of course my mind goes to the worse...either Chelle lost the baby or Kris got beat again by psycho ex...(neither was the case)

Anyways after what seemed like a forever drive thanks to school traffic I finally got to the house...it was Chelle in the hospital apparently they were thinking she may be having some type of allergic reaction though they didn't know for sure...our family is kinda special they never seem to know what is wrong...

So me and mom went to see her...after having to go to 2 gas stations to find a blue slushie...her face was swollen, throat was hurting, and her face was speckled cause all her blood vessels in her face popped...though at first they thought it was a rash...they basically admitted out of the fact she looked like crap and they didn't know what was wrong...

So baby is to be fine...Chelle is feeling better but they still don't know what is wrong...her platelet count is low so they had a hematologist come in and order more blood tests...though what the point was I'm not sure since the one question I asked to him he couldn't give me an answer...so we shall see how this all goes...

Also while all this is going on I spent the night at my parents house cause Tyler was spending the night with his Pap and mom had to work this weekend and didn't want them to be by themselves...let me tell ya I don't know how people share a bed with him...he was all over the place and is like a little sweaty furnace...I don't think I've slept that bad in a long while...even Evan a hundred pound dog is easier to sleep with than Ty...

And Ty is just a little chatter box...he just keeps talking and talking and talking...question after question...he's just so funny cause you wonder how he knows or remembers half the stuff he talks about...an adorable little monster he is...

Nothing is really new w/ me...I seem to be doing just fine thru all this...though my back was killing me earlier from the rough nights sleep and lugging Tyler around but its feeling better now...now just tired and happy to be sleeping in my own bed tonight

Brandy

What to write about today???  Nothing too exciting going on so not much to blog about today...work was peaceful well as peaceful as that place can get...the dog is cuddled up beside me...oh I know...

There is my cute little evan...laying on my tummy...now I wonder does he know and was trying to keep the bun in the oven warm....or was he trying to squish it...or did he just want attention...I'm guessing attention cause he is a big baby lol

Brandy

Coming out...

Alright get your minds out of the closet...Coming out as in I finally told my supervisor I'm preggo...which yes I was a coward and did it thru email...I know I'm awesome like that...there is just too many ears that can overhear things they don't need to know about

Though he obviously didn't get the point that I really didn't want to speak about it in the open as I said in my email since he kept coming to my desk explaining or asking me questions...All I kept thinking was shut up all these ppl don't need to know...not that it wont eventually be obvious...but they can wait till then...

I just still get uncomfortable with the questions that come with it...which is my own issue cause as I've said I'm my worse critic...and trust me most of these ppl have no room to judge me cause some of them are just off the wall odd...and that's putting it nicely...

Oh maybe I'll get over myself...hahaha...not the first person to end up in this situation wont be the last...and at least I'm not like 15...then again that may actually be better cause I'd be too naive to know what a mess I have managed to get into...oh well...life goes on...

Brandy

Adult temper tantrums

Today was a day that I didn't even make it to 7:00am at work before wanting to cause bloodshed...I don't know if it was the hormones, or the headache i had, or the simple fact my coworkers don't have brains that managed to literally get me irritated enough to pretty much throw a temper tantrum..

I just don't understand their work ethics...they literally talked about something for 15 mins and how its not their problem we don't have it let someone else deal with it...well if they could read a computer screen and use logic there would be no need for a discussion...cause it took me all of 2 mins to track down the thing in question and it was right were it was suppose to be...

After I found it mumbled I'm going to kill them in earshot of my supervisor..and throw the application at them...my supervisor asked me if I had too much caffeine...I was like pretty sure I haven't had enough yet...which actually I think was the cause of the headache cause it went away after I got some coffee in me...

I just hope its a peaceful day tomorrow...cause everyone just seemed loud rowdy and annoying today...its so weird cause I really like my job...I just don't like the majority of my coworkers...where at my last job it was the opposite...I hated the job but liked my coworkers...can't I have a happy medium...who am I kidding a happy medium in my life doesn't exist.

Brandy

Girls just wanna have fun...or at least seem easier to name

I have decided that this child needs to be a girl based on the fact if its a boy it is not going to have a name...I have 2 girl names that I like and I think depending on what it looks like...

Boy names forget it...I just can't come up with anything that I like and that other ppl like too...so this means I'm probably having a boy...and it is going to remain nameless other than baby boy caldwell...cause its mother cant pick a name...

I know what your thinking you have plenty of time...no I don't cause if I'm going to find out the sex of the baby from the ultrasound then the names have to be picked out before that...cause where is the fun if u know and then figure out a name...not that this has been very fun...

But just like if you were going to wait on finding out the sex and pick out names for either sex...I want it to be the same way by the time of the ultrasound whenever that is...so the clock is a ticking...

Brandy

Nothing to exciting to report today...though right now evan is driving me crazy...took him to brit and brian's and he was sooooo good now he's acting like a psycho who will not stop barking and just lay down and go to sleep...I'm ready to strangle him...u'd think he'd be wore out from the excitement of being somewhere new...but no not evan...

Well I'm gonna finish watching last cake standing and probably go to bed...another long week going to start...and I still need to tell my supervisor I'm pregnant...oh really shouldn't put that off much longer...I'm just not good at approaching the subject...so we shall see how that goes...alright bedtime!

Brandy

Another Day...Not Another Dollar...

Today was Chelle's birthday...a whole big 22...last year she was celebrating in Vegas...this year she is pregnant and her boyfriend is buying them a house...must say she is in quite a better position that I am...yet in her own way she is sooo not ready to be a mom...she still is a little too selfish and spoiled...hopefully the baby will make her grow up a little...probably not though cause little trey needed a diaper change I told her to go ahead and change him and she made a face and said that's his mom's job...

Oh and apparently I'm back to zip on names for this kid...I swear its name is gonna be pumpkin head cause that's what I'll call it most times anyways...so mom likes Jordan Robert...I don't like Jordan for a boy...I still like Jordyn Bryn for a girl...she wants me to use Robert somehow because it was my grandpa's middle name...I just don't like Robert and I also don't find it fair to name it after one person over another...though my other grandpas name was Wilbur and I don't know what his middle name was but I cant imagine it much better...so back to some more online searches...so we shall see...

Brandy

Seriously...seriously

Sigh...every single time I finally think I have something under control...something else goes wrong...I really don't get what I've done to deserve this life right now...Like was I serial killer in a former life...maybe Hitler...I just don't get it...seriously...

I think I'm generally nice to most ppl...I don't go out of my way to cause trouble or harm...yet seem to have the worst karma in the world...this year I've managed to make more mistakes, run into more mishaps, and end up pregnant oh and half of them happened w/in the first month of the year...but as of right now the rest of the year isn't getting any better...

I'm at the point where I'm just emotionally drained...no sense in tears or laughter or anything...just blank...empty...ready to toss in the towel...if anyone can figure out how to trade in this life for a new let me know cause I'd be all for a new life right now...

Oh I don't know I'll figure out something cause I have to and I always seem too...I'm just tired of doing it...C'est la vie...

Brandy

Siiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnggggggg...sing a song...

Today's blog is gonna be different song lyrics...songs that annoyingly remind me of my stupid situation...funny thing is today on the news it said more depress teens listen to music over read cause they connect with the lyrics describing how they feel...well I think that's an obvious study cause even non-depressed people relate to song lyrics...anywho these are in no particular order and are not full songs...I think I'm not gonna say who sings them...u can guess or google or make it game idk...

Riding in the car to work and I’m trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I’m done hoping that we could work it out
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I’m done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Made a wrong turn, once or twice.
Dug my way out, blood and fire.
Bad decisions, that's alright.
Welcome to my silly life.
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated.
Look i'm still around.


2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back
Who do you think you are?
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

 Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time
I've got a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know how we got into this mess it's a gods test
Someone help us cause we're doing our best
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don’t let me disappear
I’mma tell you everything
So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect line
Don’t care if critics never jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets away

Brandy

Trying to be positive

Well after the last two blogs, you all (assuming ppl read this and I'm just not typing to myself) probably think I'm half a step away from the nut house...can't blame ya...sometimes I feel like that myself...but even I can only take so much till I break...

But I think I picked up most of the pieces and am almost a functioning person again...now if this cold would go away...I'd be all set...its slowly going away I was far less stuffy today...

So I'm gonna try to stop feeling sorry for myself and suck it up and deal...life goes on even when you don't think it can...so I'm gonna steal this from a former co-workers facebook profile and try to go with it:

Laugh when you can. Apologize when you should. Let go of what you cant change. Love deeply and forgive quickly. Take chances and give your everything - Life is too short to be anything but happy. You have to take the good with the bad. Love what you got. Always remember what you had. Forgive, but don't forget, but always remember that life goes on

Brandy

Its my baby...and I'll cry if I want too

I think my mood from yesterdays blog must have been the precursor to today...I must have know something was gonna happen...cause if yesterday I was miserable I think today I am broken...

I'm my own worse enemy no one can say anything that I don't already think or thought about this whole situation...but I also don't really need reminded of it...cause as stupid of situation I got myself into I'm not completely stupid...and the last person who needs to remind me of it is my alcoholic brother...not sure how someone heading off to jail again should have a holier than thou attitude but he sure manages it...

I guess hearing the truth still hurts even when u know it...and he really didn't say anything that I hadn't already bashed myself for...how did I let myself get involved with him again...why didn't I think I'd end up pregnant...he just went on and on...and my mom kindly chimed in her 2 cents here and there...I didn't even say anything cause I wasn't going to let him see me cry...I already know I ruined my life but I'm not gonna ruin this kids life...I just took it and burst into tears by the time I got to my car

Though I don't get where they think I just plan on pawning off the baby to them...I haven't asked them for anything...in fact as of now I don't want anything from them...no matter what I do its never good enough so I'm just done...

So now I just need to figure out how to do it all on my own...which I will cause I'm too stubborn to do it any other way...my head hurts now...my eyes are puffy...and my cold is super annoying when crying so I'm done now...I think I may have literally cried myself to sleep...at any rate no worries I'll be ok...it all has to be ok...

Brandy

Misery...loves company?

I don't know what my problem is...between this weather, cold, and being pregnant I am miserable...I'm not even sure why the cold could be worse...pretty sure quitting smoking has had effect on that...no coughing...the weather is always unpredictable this time of year...just unusually sucky...and half the time I'm lucky if I can tell I'm pregnant...so don't know exactly how that would be making me miserable...

I guess I'm just feeling guilty about not feeling excited about being pregnant...I'm just not that into it...I don't like telling people about it cause I don't want to explain the situation...then the next obvious questions come: 

~Any names picked out...no not really cant come up w/ anything I remotely like...

~What colors are you going...don't know since I don't know what it is...and every time I say neutral cause I don't know if I want to know the sex that answer isn't good enough either

~Do you want a boy or girl...sad to say I don't care...ok I don't actually say that but that's what I'm thinking...don't care what it is as long as its a healthy little baby...

I just find this all a bunch of nonsense and can't it just get here and life goes on cause ppl care much less once its actually born...ppl are much more nosy when your carrying it...I think part of this problem is my being impatient...I don't like to wait for things...they should of figured out a way to speed up this baking process by now...ok yes that last sentence probably sounded ridiculous...but thats where I'm at...lol I've reached ridiculous...

Ridiculous and miserable that sums up my life...I suppose I should feel lucky so many ppl have it so much worse...but right now luck just doesn't seem to be in the cards...

On a side note I am taking suggestions for baby names...needs to be different and an odd spelling works too 

Brandy

Sundays...are not so fun days...

Sundays have become laundry and cleaning day...ugh to that...though it will get more fun once a baby comes...and I'm guessing, no I know, laundry once a week wont cut it w/ their little clothes...maybe it will make me do laundry on a better schedule...oh who am I kidding, mine will never get done and I'll be washing its every day...oh the joys of upcoming motherhood...

Laundry is lasting longer today cause I'm pretty sure I could make a mini evan out of the hair on my bed blankets from him...I've never washed bed clothes as often as I do since we got him...but he's too cute so I'll deal w/ it...though as soon as they are washed and back on the bed he'll bound for it and I'll cringe lol

Oh I think I changed the comment setting so that ppl can leave them know w/o being a member or signing in or something...so comment away...or I guess try cause I still may have the settings messed up lol

Half A Cold

How does one manage to have a cold yet it only seems to be on one side of my face...like literally my right sinus feels clogged, my right nostril is runny and my right eye is watery...the left side of my face feels fine...its kinda feels ridiculous...and I'm sure it sounds ridiculous but that's how my life rolls anymore...

Lets see what else...mom and I went shopping which I've decided is even more frustrating that usual cause gaining weight sucks because it doesn't really look like I'm preggers just fat...oh and lets talk about how bigger boobs is not helpful either...they are enough problems to begin w/ and now that they have grown it doesn't make things any easier...I think I should just adopt sweats and t-shirts as my new wardrobe...cause I might as well look as tired and worn out as I feel most days...

Alright I think that's enough whining for now...really think its bed time...maybe this half cold will be half gone when I wake up

Brandy

Its alive...

Finally a semi productive doctor's appt...after the usual million year wait and going over info that even though its my first kid if I didn't already know I shouldn't be having a kid...I finally got to hear a heartbeat...so at least I know the little bugger is alive...

I also now believe I'm not completely delusional that I think I feel it move already...yes I know that's not to come till later but I'm special...lol...and she had said it might want take awhile to find it cause its still early...I was this close to saying to her its chilling on the right side today...and thought better of it since she had literally just went over the fact that maybe I'd feel it around 20 weeks...meanwhile I'm only 13 weeks...but that's where it was chilling on the right side...

So more blood work another useless Dr appt in a month and then hopefully they'll schedule an ultrasound...boy I'm slightly impatient...not that I want the baby to come any quicker than it has too...I'm just over the Dr appts cause every time I go to one it reminds why I don't ever go...oh yeah which apparently shows since after I have it I'm gonna need updated on all my vaccinations...oopsies...maybe the pediatrician can do mine and the kiddo's at the same time lol...well thats all for now

Brandy