Siiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnggggggg...sing a song...

Today's blog is gonna be different song lyrics...songs that annoyingly remind me of my stupid situation...funny thing is today on the news it said more depress teens listen to music over read cause they connect with the lyrics describing how they feel...well I think that's an obvious study cause even non-depressed people relate to song lyrics...anywho these are in no particular order and are not full songs...I think I'm not gonna say who sings them...u can guess or google or make it game idk...

Riding in the car to work and I’m trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I’m done hoping that we could work it out
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I’m done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I’m telling myself I’ll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Made a wrong turn, once or twice.
Dug my way out, blood and fire.
Bad decisions, that's alright.
Welcome to my silly life.
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood.
Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated.
Look i'm still around.


2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back
Who do you think you are?
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

 Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ohhh, I love the way you lie

She needs me now but I can't seem to find a time
I've got a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know how we got into this mess it's a gods test
Someone help us cause we're doing our best
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time

Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don’t let me disappear
I’mma tell you everything
So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I’m gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don’t need another perfect line
Don’t care if critics never jump in line
I’m gonna give all my secrets away

Brandy

Trying to be positive

Well after the last two blogs, you all (assuming ppl read this and I'm just not typing to myself) probably think I'm half a step away from the nut house...can't blame ya...sometimes I feel like that myself...but even I can only take so much till I break...

But I think I picked up most of the pieces and am almost a functioning person again...now if this cold would go away...I'd be all set...its slowly going away I was far less stuffy today...

So I'm gonna try to stop feeling sorry for myself and suck it up and deal...life goes on even when you don't think it can...so I'm gonna steal this from a former co-workers facebook profile and try to go with it:

Laugh when you can. Apologize when you should. Let go of what you cant change. Love deeply and forgive quickly. Take chances and give your everything - Life is too short to be anything but happy. You have to take the good with the bad. Love what you got. Always remember what you had. Forgive, but don't forget, but always remember that life goes on

Brandy

Its my baby...and I'll cry if I want too

I think my mood from yesterdays blog must have been the precursor to today...I must have know something was gonna happen...cause if yesterday I was miserable I think today I am broken...

I'm my own worse enemy no one can say anything that I don't already think or thought about this whole situation...but I also don't really need reminded of it...cause as stupid of situation I got myself into I'm not completely stupid...and the last person who needs to remind me of it is my alcoholic brother...not sure how someone heading off to jail again should have a holier than thou attitude but he sure manages it...

I guess hearing the truth still hurts even when u know it...and he really didn't say anything that I hadn't already bashed myself for...how did I let myself get involved with him again...why didn't I think I'd end up pregnant...he just went on and on...and my mom kindly chimed in her 2 cents here and there...I didn't even say anything cause I wasn't going to let him see me cry...I already know I ruined my life but I'm not gonna ruin this kids life...I just took it and burst into tears by the time I got to my car

Though I don't get where they think I just plan on pawning off the baby to them...I haven't asked them for anything...in fact as of now I don't want anything from them...no matter what I do its never good enough so I'm just done...

So now I just need to figure out how to do it all on my own...which I will cause I'm too stubborn to do it any other way...my head hurts now...my eyes are puffy...and my cold is super annoying when crying so I'm done now...I think I may have literally cried myself to sleep...at any rate no worries I'll be ok...it all has to be ok...

Brandy

Misery...loves company?

I don't know what my problem is...between this weather, cold, and being pregnant I am miserable...I'm not even sure why the cold could be worse...pretty sure quitting smoking has had effect on that...no coughing...the weather is always unpredictable this time of year...just unusually sucky...and half the time I'm lucky if I can tell I'm pregnant...so don't know exactly how that would be making me miserable...

I guess I'm just feeling guilty about not feeling excited about being pregnant...I'm just not that into it...I don't like telling people about it cause I don't want to explain the situation...then the next obvious questions come: 

~Any names picked out...no not really cant come up w/ anything I remotely like...

~What colors are you going...don't know since I don't know what it is...and every time I say neutral cause I don't know if I want to know the sex that answer isn't good enough either

~Do you want a boy or girl...sad to say I don't care...ok I don't actually say that but that's what I'm thinking...don't care what it is as long as its a healthy little baby...

I just find this all a bunch of nonsense and can't it just get here and life goes on cause ppl care much less once its actually born...ppl are much more nosy when your carrying it...I think part of this problem is my being impatient...I don't like to wait for things...they should of figured out a way to speed up this baking process by now...ok yes that last sentence probably sounded ridiculous...but thats where I'm at...lol I've reached ridiculous...

Ridiculous and miserable that sums up my life...I suppose I should feel lucky so many ppl have it so much worse...but right now luck just doesn't seem to be in the cards...

On a side note I am taking suggestions for baby names...needs to be different and an odd spelling works too 

Brandy

Sundays...are not so fun days...

Sundays have become laundry and cleaning day...ugh to that...though it will get more fun once a baby comes...and I'm guessing, no I know, laundry once a week wont cut it w/ their little clothes...maybe it will make me do laundry on a better schedule...oh who am I kidding, mine will never get done and I'll be washing its every day...oh the joys of upcoming motherhood...

Laundry is lasting longer today cause I'm pretty sure I could make a mini evan out of the hair on my bed blankets from him...I've never washed bed clothes as often as I do since we got him...but he's too cute so I'll deal w/ it...though as soon as they are washed and back on the bed he'll bound for it and I'll cringe lol

Oh I think I changed the comment setting so that ppl can leave them know w/o being a member or signing in or something...so comment away...or I guess try cause I still may have the settings messed up lol

Half A Cold

How does one manage to have a cold yet it only seems to be on one side of my face...like literally my right sinus feels clogged, my right nostril is runny and my right eye is watery...the left side of my face feels fine...its kinda feels ridiculous...and I'm sure it sounds ridiculous but that's how my life rolls anymore...

Lets see what else...mom and I went shopping which I've decided is even more frustrating that usual cause gaining weight sucks because it doesn't really look like I'm preggers just fat...oh and lets talk about how bigger boobs is not helpful either...they are enough problems to begin w/ and now that they have grown it doesn't make things any easier...I think I should just adopt sweats and t-shirts as my new wardrobe...cause I might as well look as tired and worn out as I feel most days...

Alright I think that's enough whining for now...really think its bed time...maybe this half cold will be half gone when I wake up

Brandy

Its alive...

Finally a semi productive doctor's appt...after the usual million year wait and going over info that even though its my first kid if I didn't already know I shouldn't be having a kid...I finally got to hear a heartbeat...so at least I know the little bugger is alive...

I also now believe I'm not completely delusional that I think I feel it move already...yes I know that's not to come till later but I'm special...lol...and she had said it might want take awhile to find it cause its still early...I was this close to saying to her its chilling on the right side today...and thought better of it since she had literally just went over the fact that maybe I'd feel it around 20 weeks...meanwhile I'm only 13 weeks...but that's where it was chilling on the right side...

So more blood work another useless Dr appt in a month and then hopefully they'll schedule an ultrasound...boy I'm slightly impatient...not that I want the baby to come any quicker than it has too...I'm just over the Dr appts cause every time I go to one it reminds why I don't ever go...oh yeah which apparently shows since after I have it I'm gonna need updated on all my vaccinations...oopsies...maybe the pediatrician can do mine and the kiddo's at the same time lol...well thats all for now

Brandy